The Zombie Pizza! token sits quietly in the center of the table until everyone has at least 1 Talent card in play. Then it goes live. The person with the least cards in hand may snatch it like a mongoose. If you control the token at the start of your turn, shout “Zombie Pizza!” to draw an extra card from the Main Deck, OR take Blood, Guts, or Brains from the Bank. During game play, the token transfers instantly to the player with the least cards in hand. If two or more players are tied for the least cards, the token returns to the center of the table and waits.

Last updated: May 05, 2020 12:40

It is relatively easy to defeat a grizzly bear in a wide open space such as a forest or the hillside of a mountain.

This post is about how to overthrow a grizzly bear in a smaller environment such as a walk-in cooler, or inside a submarine. Our tips will allow you to triumph over bears in two common survival scenarios.

As usual, we have summarized the high points of a meticulously researched but otherwise tiresome article into a pleasant series of FAQs.

Q: “I’ve never encountered a grizzly bear inside a walk-in cooler before, is this a common occurrence?”

A: This type of question is usually asked by those without much outdoors experience, who never leave the couch for the thrill of adventure. But yes, it is extremely common. Most walk-in coolers have grizzly bears inside them.

Q: “My gut-level response would be to grab something sweet like tiramisu and throw it on the floor. Then I would rush out the door, and lock it.”

A: Seemingly an excellent plan, this reaction is responsible for hundreds of deaths each year. It is wrong for two main reasons. The first is, you don’t want the bear to associate you with food. What happens when he finishes his dessert? Like most of us, bears get testy about small portion sizes. As the last person to give him tiramisu, he’ll expect you to have more of it. When you don’t, he’ll assume you’re hiding it, possibly inside yourself, and will rip you open to find out. The second reason is that running marks you as easy prey, and bears move faster than humans do. So by the time your hand is on the door the bear will be pretty confident that you are prey and will be halfway through eating your legs.

Q: “Jeez, that’s terrible. So what should I do instead?”

A: It is. Really, really terrible.

Q: “Right, so what do I do?”

A: The right call in this case is to leap into hand-to-hand combat as quickly as possible. Many bears will be so startled by this that they will flee to the corner of the cooler, or immediately “tap out” to signal their submission. Do not take the bait. Halting your attack now is sure to backfire. Instead, look for a finishing move. KO the bear with a crane kick, or use a triangle choke to render him unconscious.

Q: “Got it. And so what about submarines? I’ve never heard of a bear in a submarine.”

A: Your naiveté is why we publish this series. Bears wind up in submarines all the time. Did you know that 3 out of 4 submariners died during WWII? Bears were a big part of the problem.

Q: “Ok, so what if I encounter a bear in a submarine?”

A: In this case, prevention is half the battle. Do not invite bears aboard your submarine for any reason, even peace talks. Precautions like this have saved countless lives. Close outer doors to torpedo tubes as soon as you’re finished using them. Do not open the main hatch for clawing or scraping sounds. Establish that distress calls from ships were made by real humans, who were not under duress by bears.

Q: “That all seems relatively straightforward. What about a bear/submarine combat situation?

A: Grizzly bears are extremely difficult to manage once they get aboard submarines. Forcing them up the ladder and out the hatch is nigh impossible due to their shape, so it is usually best to strike a bargain. Many bears respond well to the promise of salmon. For this reason, it is a good idea to rub a bit of salmon on yourself before treating with bears.

This concludes the training How to Defeat a Grizzly Bear in Close Quarters Combat. These techniques will allow you to triumph over bears in two common survival scenarios.

Last updated: May 23, 2020 13:43

If Aliens Land: The Definitive Guide

For use exclusively in the case of hostile aliens.

These tips will help you adjust to life, post aliens.

As usual, we have summarized the high points of a meticulously researched but otherwise tiresome post into a pleasant series of FAQs.

Q: “What do you mean, hostile aliens?”

A: Excellent question. Friendly aliens would likely just attend a few U.N. meetings, then have our leaders announce whatever the changes are, such as curfews and compliance collars.

Whereas hostile aliens would park their spaceships in the sky for a few weeks with zero contact, just to see how we roll. Also, to ratchet up the tension. Hostile aliens are huge into tension.

Q: “Hmm. What happens next?”

A: After the parking stage, hostile aliens will move into the hostilities stage. The first step of which is to knock out communications.

Q: “Ok that sucks. What am I supposed to do without internet?”

A: Not to worry. We’ve compiled a flow chart. Follow it precisely to ease your withdrawal.

Search engine ➡️ Book

Cell phone ➡️ Smoke signal

Online shopping ➡️ Barter with neighbor

eSports ➡️ Table top games

Twitch ➡️ Table top games

Online poker ➡️ Poker

Doordash ➡️ Beans from can

Instagram ➡️ Subsistence gardening

Video games ➡️ Table top games

Vegas gambling ➡️ Vegas gambling

IRL sports ➡️ Raid neighbor’s subsistence garden

Q: “That wasn’t a flow chart. Also what’s the deal with Vegas gambling?”

A: It will not surprise you to note that Vegas gambling is one of the few entertainments to survive the transition. Vegas gambling has been around for millions of years, and is equipped to endure catastrophic planetary events. But for the rest of them, it’s pretty much down to table top games.

Q: “What else can I do? I thought this was some sort of guide.”

A: Your naiveté is why we publish this series. We remain committed to sharing the most authoritative info on hostile aliens, despite your saltiness.

Q: “Fine. So what’s the takeaway?”

A: As noted in the flow chart, table top games and beans from the can will form the cornerstone of the new economy. We suggest investing heavily in both resources before aliens land.

Q: “Your advice seems kind of self-serving.”

A: If you say so. Prudent families are currently stockpiling. It is not unreasonable to fill the two largest rooms of your bunker with these commodities.

Given that most of your time in the new economy will be spent in tight underground quarters playing table top games, it is regrettable that your main food source will be beans from the can. But our job here is to educate, not to sugarcoat things.

This concludes the training If Aliens Land. We hope these tips will help your adjustment, post-aliens.

Last updated: May 23, 2020 13:47

1 Cheeseburger: An Exhausting Process That’s Totally Worth It

How to Have the Best Cheeseburger of Your Life

A cheeseburger is a tasty cow meat sandwich made on puffy bread called buns. Cheeseburgers come served with fries or chips, or with a salad for those who enjoy a mixed message. American restaurants are required to sell cheeseburgers, so they are available everywhere.

It’s pretty challenging to mess up the construction of a cheeseburger, as a result, most of the ones you can find are decent. But a good cheeseburger will really turn your day around.

What follows is a set of guidelines to have the best cheeseburger of your life. We hope our tips will save you effort and money.

Best Cheeseburger Instructions

You probably expected the first step to be about ingredients, e.g., the overriding importance of Kobe beef, and artisanal cave cheese, and free range ketchup. And you’re right of course, those things are important. But if you take the ingredients route, the best cheeseburger of your life could wind up costing you north of $80. How you spend your money is your business, but we’ve discovered a better way.

1. The actual first step is to get your mind right.

The expectation that anything in your life could be the best possible iteration of that thing is a nasty trap to fall into. If you enjoy experiences such as happiness or relaxation, you might want to stop comparing things to other things.

For example, if your friends are arguing about the difference between octopuses and squids, and it’s getting heated, it’s OK to be the one who says, “Who cares? Octopuses and squids are both crazy animals, with lots of tentacles, and I’m reasonably certain both shoot ink at their enemies when ambushed or whatnot, so let’s take that in for a second and recognize that we’re floating on a spec of dust in a universe of black space, which in and of itself is super improbable, and let’s further acknowledge that we’ve all hit the jackpot of life with regard to the trillions of possibilities for the arrangement of our atoms, and now let’s settle down for a minute and appreciate that.”

Probably you will lose most of your friends if you talk to them this way, but sometimes that’s the price of the truth. Anyway, having the best cheeseburger of your life is not something just anyone can do. It’s a meal reserved for the strong.

1. The second step to the best cheeseburger of your life is to plan a backpacking trip.

Backpacking is a sport where you flee into the woods and leave behind everything you can’t carry in a pack, such as your favorite coffee shop and your sense of bodily security. The main activity of backpacking is to walk up and down over mountains, and you do this activity every day until you are done with the trip.

People eat dehydrated meals on backpacking trips, which are a kind of expensive packaged food available in different flavors that taste like salt. Also backpackers eat energy bars, which are a type of individually wrapped peanut butter. So as you can guess, after walking over mountains all day eating salt and peanut butter, you are likely to experience some profound moments of mental clarity.

For example, most backpackers figure out by day 3 that their job is terrible and their marriage needs an overhaul. By day 5 it becomes clear that the entire arc of your life is wrong and most of your friends are inauthentic drones. With these insights under your belt you can imagine how comforting a cheeseburger will taste. Recent studies prove backpackers spend 30% of their energy fantasizing about cheeseburgers.

1. The last step happens once you get back to the car.

Stow your pack and drive around on the hunt for a spot that sells cheeseburgers, this is guaranteed to be the first restaurant you see. Roll through the front door like the boss of a goldmine, sit down at a rough-hewn table under the bank of TVs, and order the largest cheeseburger on the menu. Suck in your breath and laugh at the woodland creatures of the mountains that failed to eat you. Pay no attention to the dead-eyed bartender or to the incessant wheedling of the screens. You’ve got your cheeseburger now, it is a thing of endless beauty, the first bite hits your mouth in a greasy explosion of sparks that careen through your brain. Stay in this moment. Your relationship is a charade, your job sucks, and most of your friends are synthetic and tedious. None of this matters. You are having the best cheeseburger of your life.

This concludes the training How to Have the Best Cheeseburger of Your Life. We hope it will save you effort and money.

Last updated: May 23, 2020 13:49